I have never really entertained the idea of dating a guy with a child. Not only because your imagination immediately drags up the image of a man in his thirties going squidgy at the edges, but also because that child represents an irreversible bond he will always share with that other woman. When we meet a guy, we know he's got a past (haven't we all?) but it's not really ideal to have that past staring right at you. Especially when you're not supposed to resent someone so innocent. However, I've had a change of opinion...

As some of you may know, I've spent over a year working at a pub so it should come as no surprise that this bloke is actually another customer (will I ever learn?), only this time I can assure you all that he is 100% single. And he is, in fact, younger than me - only by six months but I am so attracted to him, which is strange as up until three weeks ago I never paid him any particular attention. The weird thing is, is that once I see a man with a child, the attraction vanishes but with him, I don't care. I suppose if you look at the situation intelligently, him having a child could be a bonus. I may not know this first-hand but I've heard that children and maturity come hand in hand like smoking and bad lungs (I couldn't think of a more appropriate simile lol). Plus, him having a child now could hopefully significantly put him off wanting anymore for a very long time!

Now I had better set the record straight, I am not dating this guy, in fact he doesn't even know that I'm interested but I've heard through the grapevine that he is in me which makes me wonder, do I make a move? And no, that isn't a rhetorical question, I need guidance lol. I'm just a little wary considering that I have been with two customers already, one had a girlfriend (let's not dwell on that shall we?) and the other one hadn't long come out of a long-term relationship and after being a complete sweetheart, one month later I was left humiliated and in tears. Could this be third time lucky perhaps? Or will I become the girl who has gone with 'yet another customer'. I don't even have the excuse of not being able to meet men elsewhere because since September, I have been a full-time Uni student, although to be the honest there are no groups of 'hotties' that I was promised.
It has been a while since I have written and I'm in a much better place now but I still love doing all this teenage angsting, when I was younger I really believed by the time I reached 23, I'd have all the answers but I am still as clueless as I was six years ago, I'm just a little more careful with words and actions now.

University is good, in fact I'm having a real good time and I don't know how it's happened but I have become a little bit, should I say typical? I have got a little lazy but I reckon that because I have worked full-time for years, to hell with it and I should just let my hair down for a while.
Let's hope by next time I write (and I won't leave it so long), that I have this male situation sorted...

Then again, knowing me I won't :-P ...

You know that feeling you get where that person you like is in the same room as you?? You don't even have to be talking to him but just knowing he's there means that you're having a better time?? I hold my hands up, I had that feeling tonight when HE was there. Yep that bloke who has a girlfriend, yep that bloke who I slept with, yep that bloke who shall forever remain nameless.

I walked in the pub tonight, twenty minutes before my shift began (any later and I run the risk of not being able to relax with a cuppa and a ciggie beforehand and then all hell would break loose lol!) and I didn't notice him at first. I never look round anymore which is another of my tactics of trying to forget about him. I don't want him to think that I still care although it's obvious that I do – MOAN! Anyway, I walked through the door and behind me I heard a wolf whistle and immediately I knew, because let's face it, who else would do that. Well there is the possibility of the other customer I kissed when I was absolutely drunk on Saturday night but that's a whole other story
Yeah I hear you all say it, wolf whistling, not exactly the most charming way to grab a girls attention but it grabbed mine because, I realised, that it doesn't matter what he does, I still find him attractive and it's getting to the stage now where I'm annoying myself so I'm sorry to all you readers who think I'm droning. I just can't help myself...

I didn't speak to him after that quick sly smile I gave. I'm finding that tactic quite easy now, avoid his eye-line, make sure I look busy but whilst he's there I'm OK, I still feel in control. And then he left and my mood dropped. I looked at myself in the mirror at work (I am actually being serious here) and thought 'woman, you need to get a grip.' I don't love him, of that I'm sure and I don't want him for myself so what is it? What is it about him that makes me want to do all kind of unspeakable things to him? I sound like some tortured soul in some channel 5 movie that never made it to the cinema in this blog aren't I?? LOL!

Maybe it's sexual frustration? I'm quite reserved in my blogs because who wants to hear about sordid details, really?? That's not what my blogs are about but I think that just maybe that this is my problem. Being a single girl like me is damn hard. I'm scared of the commitment and vulnerability that relationships bring but I'm a red-blooded woman and we have needs. But I'm not the type of girl who wants to pick up strangers and sleep with every Tom, Dick AND Harry. I've tried it when I was younger (that makes me sound ancient he he...) and frankly I don't like it anymore. So I have three choices...
1)get a boyfriend
2)lead a life of celibacy - (crys)
3)get a sex buddy

If only life was more simple...

But then I'd only complain that I was bored...hhhmmmm...

xxx

Answer me this question... Why is it that when people find out that a woman has no desire to have children, people look at you like you have just asked if you can piss on their first born???

This has become a subject that I find increasingly annoying and in a world now where women have so much more opportunities that involve more that staying at home and playing the little wifey, how can people expect that being bored out of our brains is the choice we would want to choose?

I've never had any desire to have children, even as I little girl I never used to play with dolls or play 'husband and wives', I preferred drawing and creating things, babies not being one of them by the way. As much as people say it is a natural thing, the thought of having something growing inside me, sucking all my nutrients away from me and taking control of MY body for nearly a year makes me feel almost angry. You can't drink, you can't smoke, you have to stay away from certain foods and midwifes look at you strange if you don't want to breast-feed (because why wouldn't you want your breast to get any more saggy for the sake of the baby?). Why would I want my nipples to face south? Why do I want a wobbly stomach covered in stretch marks? Why do I want a 'lady garden' like a wizards sleeve??

That's just the pregnancy I'm talking about. When little junior comes along, you might as well hand your life over there and then because yours will never be yours again. You can't go out when you want, summer afternoon trips to the pub give way to hours in the playground hoping that your child doesn't have an accident resulting in another few hours in casualty. The money you earn after a full week at work now has to be spent on clothes for them, the latest 'gear' that they just can't do without, school trips that they just have to go on. To be quite frank I find it all a joke.

I asked my friend last week (who has been asking me when I'm going to jump on the wagon with her) why I should want them? As a childless woman, all I hear from my friends who have children is moan, moan, bloody moan. They cried during their pregnancy as their bodies became unrecognisable, they screamed during labour when their nether-regions stretched to an inhuman size and now they bitch about people like me who can do exactly want they want, exactly when they want to.

And then because I have made my choice (which is a choice where I DON'T moan at anyone), people look at me as if I'm weird. It just gets me so angry. It was actually a conversation with my boss who has five of her own that started this off. She was trying to convince how wonderful it is, well it isn't!!!

My money is mine, my body is young and fresh still, and my life is still that – my bloody life. And you know what guys?? I LOVE it!!

So if there are any other people out there like me, do what I do and stick your fingers up to those judgmental people, they're only jealous that they can't go back in time!!

He was there, at the pub tonight. I knew he would be and I knew that once again we would slip back into our old habit of flirtation. I was good though, of that I'm quite proud, I'm serving people at the bar and I can feel those familiar eyes watching me but not once did I turn round and encourage his advances. No tonight, I made sure I kept my distance.
That is, until the pub started emptying and there were less ways I could distract myself from him. He smiles and not being rude, I smile back. He asks me why I have been ignoring him, starts making a joke of 'I've had my wicked way with him and now I have no need for him', I protest and then he starts asking if we can meet up again, away from work where no one is watching us and like the 'strong' woman I am, I refused.

I have work tomorrow so I think it's time for a cuppa and a cigarette. Maybe now I've unleashed this bit of tension I can sleep easy! Damn bloody men sometimes....

Or could it just be PMT??..ha ha...

I know he'll never leave his girlfriend, of that I am certain. To be honest I think that I would run a mile if he did but there's something about him that keeps me wanting more, even after eight months, which is completely unheard of for me. Eight weeks is usually the life expectancy I give, any longer and the rocky foundations of something you couldn't exactly call a relationship starts to curdle like off milk. Think of Miranda from SATC and you'll get a vague idea of what I'm like with men!

I think bar work has bought out the realist in me and fantasy world is for those who are lucky, but then if I hadn't have started this job, I would never have met him. I think he'll be in on Friday and this time I'm going to look at him and think 'I'm not going to go back there, no matter what charm tactic you try to use this time.'
Hopefully, anyway......