He was there, at the pub tonight. I knew he would be and I knew that once again we would slip back into our old habit of flirtation. I was good though, of that I'm quite proud, I'm serving people at the bar and I can feel those familiar eyes watching me but not once did I turn round and encourage his advances. No tonight, I made sure I kept my distance.
That is, until the pub started emptying and there were less ways I could distract myself from him. He smiles and not being rude, I smile back. He asks me why I have been ignoring him, starts making a joke of 'I've had my wicked way with him and now I have no need for him', I protest and then he starts asking if we can meet up again, away from work where no one is watching us and like the 'strong' woman I am, I refused.
You see the thing is, that most of the time, I do mean it. That is, when I'm sober I can force myself to believe I mean it which is why I don't drink at the pub anymore, especially on nights when I know he is more likely to be there. It's just asking for trouble. But once the drinks start flowing and I feel that warm fuzzy feeling behind my eyes, all he has to do is flash me that cheeky grin through those full lips or wink at me with those dark chocolate eyes and once again I can feel myself melting. I'm aware of the consequences but when your defences are down, you don't think clearly and you always know that you don't have to worry about anything until the morning. That's the kind of girl I am, act now and pay later.
I often wonder why I haven't had any type of remotely serious relationship for years. Could it be that like so many of us I have been hurt. I don't mean broken-hearted, although I have the once, no I mean I've been betrayed, I've been let down, I've been forced to take the blame for things that were not my fault and maybe that's why I've built up this wall. If I'm the one in control then I have no-one to blame but myself when things go wrong. And even if if doesn't seem like it, with him I am in control. I do call the shots, I say yes and I say no. I always think that if I had just been hurt then I wouldn't be so 'hard' but having no strong male role model in my life ever has led me to believe that women are the strong ones and losing yourself to someone is just a way of make yourself vulnerable and being vulnerable makes you more likely to get shit on!! I'm tired of coming across cowardly men who run at the slightest sniff of trouble, I want a man to be a man!!
Man, I am over-thinking tonight....
I have work tomorrow so I think it's time for a cuppa and a cigarette. Maybe now I've unleashed this bit of tension I can sleep easy! Damn bloody men sometimes....
Or could it just be PMT??..ha ha...