Secret Diary of A Barmaid

My past, present and future self...

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 18:59:50 +0200

It's amazing how much fascination my old journals hold for me. I've kept one since 1995 when the ten year old me used to write about boybands and who was my best friend that week.
I came across another today from when I was sixteen. The time when I was "in love" with this guy I had met (obsessed may be a more appropriate word but let's skip the details shall we?) and who ended up breaking my heart. I wrote like I had lost everything and how no man would ever come close to making me feel the way he did. It got me thinking about being a teenager and all the dramas that come with it. Life was all there for the taking and there was this innocence and ability to dream. Everything is new, exciting and heartbreaking at times but most of all - it's possible.

Oh, heartfelt moment there..

Now back to my present self. I had another slip with brown eyes - oops !! Not so much a major one, nothing had ever gone beyond kissing and a little groping, but a slip all the same. I would divulge details but to be honest everything went a little hazy after the first few glasses of wine. But I am aware that being careless and being tipsy (okay,pissed) come hand in hand and brown eyes and I kissed in PWIW (pub where I work). Yes, in front of my boss and yes, in front of some customers, who believe now that we're "knocking each other off" despite the fact we've told them otherwise. Of course, after a bit of tongue action, it's unheard of not to follow things through! Who are these men that I serve?? But there always has to be one who has the morals of a saint, when it comes to other people anyway. He tried warning brown eyes off and spoke about me like I was a little girl whilst I was still there. Forgive me for being vague but I do believe I said something along the lines of "I'm a twenty-three year old woman so don't patronise me" and ended my one-sided argument with "fuck this, I'm going for a fag" where brown eyes proceeded to follow me and snog my face off.

I promise that that is the last time it ever has or ever will happen. Being so blatant AND having an argument with someone who was trying to make us see sense has had me thanking my lucky stars that his girlfriend never goes in the pub because I ave a sneaky suspiscion that someone will be a daft prick and slip up somehow. Things are still a little awkward but hey, onwards and upwards.

During the eight years since my teenager self wrote the journal I found today, it's experiences like the one with brown eyes that have made me more of a realist in life and have given me lower expectations of what to expect from people, especially men. However, I am pleased to realise that I'm still young enough to have that "anything is possible" attitude. Opportunities are all around us and if we want to do something we should grab the bull by the horns and just do it.
I never thought I could receive valuable advice from a teenager but the sixteen year old girl has taught me that life is full of exciting challenges waiting to happen and that I haven't lost the ability to dream.

Comments

New discoveries but old habits...

Mon, 11 May 2009 15:10:32 +0200

I have recently made a discovery about myself which finally puts all the old wonderings to rest - I am not girlfriend material.
I can't do nagging, I'm much better being a blokes friend, I can't do nights in, if my friends call they are the people I want to be with, I like casual sex and can't imagine I would ever want to change who I am.
In light of this revelation, I have also discovered that I am perfect mistress material. And playing the mistress, although is not something I'm proud of, seems to just occur naturally with me. I like all the good parts of being with a bloke, but when the light of day comes I want to be both hassle and commitment free.
But I have been misbehaving of late and it's playing on my mind so I thought I'd take the time to get it off my chest and have you nice people to talk some sense into me!

As you all know by now, I have a bit of a habit when it comes to getting involved with customers at the pub. So it should come as no surprise to hear that I have got involved with another one - (uh-oh) who I will refer to as brown eyes. And I always have a habit of picking the ones who already have girlfriends. Actually no, they seem to pick me. In the two years that I have known him, I've always had a sneaky suspicsion that he was interested and although I thought he was a nice looking guy, I never really fancied him. A month ago, that changed. I went out drinking with some friends and he was there. Fast forward a few hours and with bodies brimming with alcohol, about ten of us (some friends and some customers) went back to the house of guy I work with (GIWW). And I can't tell you what happened to set the ball in motion but one minute brown eyes and I are holding hands and the next we are kissing. Flat out on the bed of GIWW whilst the lesbian who tried it on with me (who is now together with my friend Shortie so that's all cool now), stayed in the room at my request so I didn't give in to the total sluttiness of actually have sex with a guy who a) is a customer, b) has a girlfriend and c) has two children with her.
Last week, I stayed for a drink after work and what happened again? Yep more mouth action, at the side of the pub which doesn't have CCTV.
Then last night happened. Shortie and I got drunk together, with brown eyes, the lesbian and an old mate of mine. And the problem is we're getting more careless because this time he had his arm around my waist in the pub. I'm just thankful it was practically empty. But once we left the pub and went back to the lesbians house, it was pratically penetration. By that time I was starting to sober up, so not even the condom I carry in my purse could persuade me to go all the way.

I know what I'm doing is wrong, and each time we're sober we promise each other that nothing will happen again but last night was just too close. I don't want to break up a family and if things stop now then everyone can walk away unscathed. He is not the sort of man to do things like that, believe me I have seen what he's like in the past two years and he never so much as flirts with other women. So why me? What have I allowed?
I know the answer is to not drink at the pub when he is there and I know I should be sensible. It's not like I have any deep feelings for this man and I'm sure that I'm doing it just because he is there.

I promise I am going to start being sensible and walk away. And I hope he does the same!

Comments

Am I not making myself clear?

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 15:08:41 +0200

I have always considered myself to be an open-minded person.
I take people as I find them and base my opinions on them by their actions rather than colour, gender or sexual orientation. But I'm starting to believe that concerning the sexual orientation bit, I've acted carelessly. Let me explain...

Someone came onto me. And that someone is a girl
I have never had a problem with lesbians as I'm a firm believer that it isn't a choice but an attraction that comes to them as easily as my attraction for men. Hell, one of my best friends, Shortie, recently came out as a lesbian and I view her in exactly the same way that I did before. This girl, however, is something else.
She's a customer at a pub and you would have to be blind, stupid or both not to immediately realise she is a lesbian. If the masculine mannerisms and short cropped hair didn't give it away I'm sure the tracksuits and openess about her way of life would. I don't mean to stereotype, but it's true. It didn't bother me though and I've spent quite a few nights of late drinking with her and her mates. I'll hold my hands up and say I did have an inkling, she's called me pretty and complimented me but I honestly thought my 'straightness' was so obvious (the talking of men and the fact she's seen me kiss one) that it would be enough to deter her and realise what she felt was merely a passing crush.
But you know my luck...
So we all get pissed together on Wednesday night. She left before me and then I get a text message where she is so blatant about the way she feels that my jaw dropped open. I calmly replied saying that although I liked her as a friend, under no circumstances would anything EVER happen between us. I expected her to leave it but no, she persists. Her reply said something along the lines of that next time we went out, if I really didn't want anything to happen, then I would have to push her away when she tries to kiss me.

WTF??

Now, not only am I planning to never go drinking with her again, I'm also starting to feel an extreme sort of sympathy for men. Women are scary!! If this was a guy, I would find it a little amusing but all I feel is a sort of anger. How dare she disrespect what I'm saying and all my energy is going into avoiding her texts and hr Facebook messages. The avoidance thing is going to be particularly hard tonight because I'm working and she is going to be there.

I think it's a shame that it's also made me wary. Wary of starting a friendship with a girl who like girls which is a shame. But that's how I feel. I used to think men could be harsh when it came to their treatment of girls but I now share an understanding of just how pushy women can be. Does she honestly believe she can 'turn me'?

And now I'm sooooooo tempted to ring in sick to work tonight.
Oh guys, wish me luck
xx

Comments

Will I ever learn?

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 01:23:07 +0100

Ok, so admittedly I usually leave it longer than a week before updating you lovelies with another chapter of my life. However, seeing as this subject is in keeping with my last one (mucho drunken behaviour!) I thought it was appropriate before the sketchy flashbacks of the night fade completely. Somehow there's one or two, despite all the praying in the world to a god I don't believe in, that I'm sure will be scarred into my memory for life...

One of my best friends (now named Danish) is a mother of two and has a hard time getting nights out. So when she and a few more of us arranged to go out last Saturday, I should have known I would fly straight past tipsy and land in some fuzzy world called twatted. We started off relatively sane, but the first warning sign should have been my usual greediness of not being able to buy a glass of wine, but the whole frigging bottle. OOPS!
And that was just for starters...

Next warning sign? Bumping into a guy I've had a crush on for years (Mr J). Correction, who Blondie and I have had a crush on for years because he happens to be her older brother's best friend. Of course I wandered over to him (and the huge group of friends he was with) and tried to innocently enquire about the comments Blondie and I had shamelessly hit him with the previous week. Bless him though, he was very much a gentleman, telling me not to worry about it and that he could hardly remember himself. Well mate, I was in my familiar land of twatted and I still seem to remember fine... Him and his mates invited our group to follow them onto a club (which shall remain un-named incase I lose my law suit - details later).

Big mistake number one - we followed.
Big mistake number two - I texted Blondie to invite her.
Big mistake number three - she didn't come.

We arrive at said club. It's packed so we walk round trying to find a spare seat. I'm wearing heels and I don't notice a step. The next few seconds felt like minutes. One minute I'm up, the next I'm falling whilst somehow doing the jazz splits, straight at the feet of some dishy looking guy. And when I say fall, I don't mean a modest stumble. I mean 'move out of the way otherwise you are going to get hurt.' The crowd parted!! Like when you see people do it in comedies when some bigshot is trying to crowd surf. Get the picture??? The only saving grace is that Mr J wasn't there to see it. After dishy guy helped me up (sweet!), I fled! I notice a stinging, look down, I've cut all my leg open. (Hence the lawsuit I have yet to start). So I rush to the loo to wash off the blood. By the time I leave, I have one tanned leg and one streaky one. Note to self - wear jeans next time you go out!

We find a table (as far away from the falling over scene as possible), get comfy and pop out for a ciggie. Mr J is there. I wiggle my hips as I walk over, although truth be told I probably waddled, and engaged in a delightful conversation with him where he tells me he likes me. So of course I think it's appropriate to tell him about the teenage crush, and I mean every detail. Someone shoot me now. He tells me to come find him later, we go back in and what's happened? Some skank has run off with my NEW jacket. My night is officially ruined. I take it as a sign. Nothing should happen with me and Mr J. I leave the club with cuts on my very streaky leg, jacketless and very pissed. Mr J and his friend jump in a taxi with me and BS but they jump out on the way. I take that as not a good sign. I could have invited him back I suppose but all I wanted to do at this point was go home and lick my wounds - literally.

Now the thing that pissed me off. Blondie texted me the next morning asking me how my night went. I told her we ended up in a club with Mr J and co, about the tragedy of my leg and my jacket and what do I get? A reply which simply says 'you went to a club with Mr J?' ... no kisses, no mention of said tragedies, just a question which obviously screams, how dare you!! I texted her back explaining no, that there were groups of us and all I did was embarass myself in front of him. She is a selfish person, I'll be the first to admit that but nothing happened! Not even kissing! He's never shown any interest in her, there's no history and despite the fact all she had was a teenage crush, she seems to think she had some sort of hold over him. Hand on heart, if it had been the other way around, I would have wished her luck and said go for it!

And the really annoying thing? She hasn't texted me since.

I'm starting to believe that just like relationships, you can outgrow friendships too..

Comments

It's not big and it's not clever!

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 23:41:39 +0100

I sometimes ask myself (as I'm sure we all do) why I bother to go out and get so completely paraletic that I have nothing left from the night before except a radical drop in dignity, a huge hole in the cash department and vivid flashbacks I would much rather forget! Alcohol eh?

Blondie (my oldest friend) convinced me, my sister LS (not the one with the nightmare bf)and her boyfriend to go for a few drinks at our local, pub by day, measly attempt at 'club-iness' at night. (Imagine a small dancefloor where the pool table usually is and some guy with decks who calls himself a DJ - get the picture?) Well it'll be cheap to get home so I thought why not.... So through sheer laziness, I started buying two drinks at a time (cringe!) and if you were to ask me what happened that night, I pretty much forget everything after 10pm. Oh - except the one thing I would rather...

Blondie hits it off with this Irish guy (which was quite surprising as a total lack of confidence usually prevents her from doing that) and LS was with her boyfriend. I was literally the fifth wheel! :( So what do I do? Announce to the table (well slurred actually and I have a feeling I held my arms up in the air at this point as well) that I was going to 'pull' someone. I kid you not. So I walk onto the dancefloor, find the first guy that smiles at me and 'snog his face off.' It turns out he was some foreign guy who's name I couldn't even pronounce. I didn't actually find this out until the next day when LS told me, due to the fact I had dragged him back to our table. You know when you wake up the next morning and have a sickness which has nothing to do with the amount of alcohol you've consumed?? I literally spent the day brushing my teeth imagining all sorts of mouth to mouth contact diseases. I am just thankful I didn't take it any further, although to be honest I don't think I was in any state to do anything anyway. The mercy of it all...
Blondie's was another story, who ended up sleeping with her guy at a club they vanished off to. Seriously, what has happened to my friend. The girl who has only slept with the father of her child? I think she's re-visiting the youth she missed out on!

Since my time away there has also been more drama, meaning BS. As we're staying in my mom's house, we all have to contribute no matter how small. Obviously as a member of the job seekers club, my sis gives less. But she didn't this week (due to the fact Wormboy bought her a 40 quid football ticket for a match she didn't want to go to then insisted she pay him back). My mom asks for the money and when I say she flipped, I mean quite literally. She started swearing and even called my mom a slag! I felt sick to the stomach and still do just thinking about it. They're talking again now but do you think she's apologised? Has she hell?

I must thank her and Wormboy for one thing. My last blog prompted me to have my very first sexual health check and I'm pleased to announce I'm all clear lol. I'm sure we've all had moments so if any of you are thinking about it, go and have a check. It's really not that bad! In fact, it made me want to get the wine out for a little celebration. Though having the image of telling people why I was celebrating put an abrubt halt to that!

Plus, as I've shown, alcohol just seems to get me in trouble he he...xxx

Comments

Seeing clearly...but wish someone else would!

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:50:19 +0100

I've recently been made aware that a man doesn't have to be a love interest to be able to hurt you!

Come on down - my sister's boyfriend!!!

There are so many words I could call him, some which wouldn't be harsh enough, but it's only fair to explain why.
Wormboy (I'll explain why later) and my baby sis (BS as opposed to LS who is also my younger sis but older than BS) met around early summer time last year and he is a complete and utter fuckwit. What I took to be shyness is actually just a bad case of rudeness. He slouches around the house, answering for BS, treats the world like it owes him a favour and is slowly suceeding in causing a rift between the closeknit family we once were.

So here is my list of some of the things he's done which toI feel only enhances the total shittiness of his character!
- He read her diary
- He makes her cry with his constant put-downs about BS not having a job
- He threatens that she will 'lose him'if she doesn't start doing something with her life (this coming from the sleeze who barely scraped a pass in his masters (52%) and now works a part-time retail job)
- He has 'treated' her to a couple of nights out and now has decided he wants her to pay him 20 quid a week for what he's spent!
- He moans about having to sleep downstairs when they stay here (me and BS share a room due to my bro having mine when I moved out) and yet they're not allowed to stay over at his together - I PAY RENT!!! IT'S NOT YOUR HOUSE!!!
- He tuts and sighs loudly if we walk through the living room at ELEVEN in the morning because obviously they're not ready to get up.
- He's given my sister chlamydia AND worms (hence the nickname)
- He has an unjusitfied problem with both LS and her boyfriend (who by the way have a healthy relationship and she's never in tears

This is just a few things. If I were to go on and on, you wouldn't finish reading for hours - believe me! The whole thing that grates on me the most is that BS doesn't seem phased by what he does and I'm starting to feel that it's not love she feels but an unhealthy neediness. Wormboy and BS were even slagging off LS on Valentines Night. How can a sister do that to another, we're just not that type of family and it saddens me. I don't have a problem with having a go at both of them, I've never found it difficult to tell people when I'm pissed off. I actually think I like arguing sometimes (weird??) and I am suffering from a bad case of PMT so you can imagine I've been making plenty of comments of my own.
Now comes the part where I need the advice of you dear people! LS and my mom argue that we should just be there for BS whenever he's playing the part of grade A bastard again but I disagree. I think she needs some tough love! It's the classic case of an alcoholic. You can only help them for so long before they have to help themselves. I think it's a case of having to play good cop bad cop with her!
I honestly curse the day he ever came into our lives and pray for the day he is gone!!!

Comments

Left outside alone...

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 15:36:11 +0100

There's an episode from SATC where MIranda goes to an engagement party and someone asks her if she's seeing anyone special. She replies no and then gets this look of pity. So she makes a joke saying that she's seeing a bunch of UNspecial guys which makes the questioner laugh and everything is comfortable again. I used to think SATC got this wrong. Correction - I did!!

In the past few months I am increasingly becoming aware of the fact I have been on the receiving end of THE LOOK! It's less severe than the look someone gives you if you've lost your job but more obvious than if you say you've broken a bone. (Couldn't really think of any other examples there.) But you get the picture. It's the sad eyes, the way the head tilts slightly to the right and the silent words ~ 'aw it's a shame for you.' It is irritating!! But what do I do? I do a Miranda.
'No I'm not seeng anyone but having lots of fab sex'
'No I can't be doing with you men.'
'No I don't have time.'
All of this is bullshit of course but it makes me feel better when I see questioners wink at me as if to say fairplay to me.

The truth of it all is once upon a time there was a girl. She liked to go clubbing, to spend days lounged on the sofa with the hairs on her body growing back, who liked to be able to do exactly what she wanted when she wanted. Then her friends started having babies and she saw how hard 'grown-up' life would be so was even more determined not to do the settling down thing because that meant saggy boobs, baggy lady gardens, no time for yourself and the worst of all? Having to share this experience with only one man FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
Then the girl became a woman!
Truth be told, since turning 23 (and I don't know why this is) but I've kind of wanted the whole relationship thing. I stress - not the babies or marriage, just the going on dates and having it actually go somewhere instead of him texting me excuses why it won't or me avoiding him until he gets the message. Out of my four closest mates, three of them are with someone and I sort of feel a little left out. The fourth friend has a baby so she never comes out anyway but the other three? I dunno. I guess I'm feeling a little lost. My life is sorted, I know where I want to go career-wise and I'm being productive about it. But I want to have someone special. Actually I want to be somebody's special someone. The person who you think of calling first when things go bad or you have some really exciting news. I am making myself cringe here but of you can't be honest with yourself, you'll be telling lies forever.
It's hard to be around my friends when they have their other halves there and they spend more time looking at them -just looking! - instead of taking part in the conversation with you that they started! It's especially hard when you're standing waiting for a taxi when they all climb in the cars and wave you goodbye. It's symbolic really, they have a new chapter in their lives and you don't.
Moral of the story? Well I don't know. All I know is that when you think you will know what you want forever then you're wrong! Circumstances change and you get older and start to want different things.
I'm just glad I stayed on good terms with THE ex (that's a long story) otherwise I'd be a permanant fixture at Ann Summers I think....;-P

Comments

Older equals wiser!

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 00:00:14 +0100

After the dramatic events (okay, slight exaggeration) of my last blog, I am unsurprised to announce that I am still single and looking for the man who must be locked away in a castiron cage with no hope of anyone finding a key to fit...

Before I hang out my dirty laundry in public and bring you up to date on my life let me just say Happy New Year to all you bloggers and hope 2009 brings you all your dreams..

So in my last cliffhanger, I had just shared many drunken kisses with blue eyes after much flirting and angsting about if he liked me. So as you all know, I was worried about the whole 'does he want to do it again' conversation and the 'should I message him or is too desperate' debate. So what do I do in situations like that? Answer - absolutely nothing! Oh apart from check his facebook page every single time I log on and watch him out of the corner of my eye each time he was in the pub. Could I be more pathetic? After that night, we would share those silly 'we've kissed' smirks, the Facebook comments and, wait for it - eye contact! Honestly I wanted to give myself a swift slap. I'm 23 not 13 lol! But that was it, I drew a blank. I shouldn't want to be with someone who has important responsibilities (a kid) and who drinks in the pub I work ('cos let's face it, my track record with customers is shameful) but I do/did!
Let us fast forward to the second of January. Blue eyes comes in, he knew I was in a bad mood because I announced it on Facebook, so he asks if I'm alright. I assure him I am and then when I was out smoking, he asked Shortie if I was okay. So of course that little bit of info sends me in a good mood. Mucho flirting happened that night. Yes he was drinking and no I wasn't because I was working which should have been the first warning signal but do I listen? Do I fuck...(pardon my French). So at the end of the night he asks if he can speak to me outside, the desperate teenager in me agrees and out we go. He apologised to me for leaving it so long but his last girlfriend cheated on him and he wasn't sure if he was ready to get back into something else but would I like to go for a drink sometime? I felt like the cat who had got the cream but I still do that thing that all us girls do and acted coy. I told him that with him being a customer was the only thing putting me off because I've had shit said about me before and didn't want to be the centre of gossip. He said 'Do you mean ****', yes people, he said the name of the customer I made the fatal mistake of sleeping with last year. DAMN IT!! Of course I deny it but of course people know I'm lying. Anyway we swapped numbers and ended up in a game of lip action again.
I swear if he was pissed I would not have gone there but he really wasn't and as the sober one, I think I had pretty good judgement. So the next day he has his daughter but says if I'm in the pub after seven then he'll probably be there. So here's me, Shorty, JP and their other halves (because everyone is now in a relatonship) having a drink after I finish my shift. I'm expecting more tongue action but what do I get? A wimpy text from blue eyes saying he likes me but he thinksit will be too awkward for me and him to start anything. I told him not to worry about it and I didn't ask him to elaborate on what the awkwardness would be from. I felt like smashing my glass on the floor and stamping my foot and then I thought, why bother?
If this had have happened a few years ago I would have gone home, felt like the ugliest woman in the world and probably drank a bottle of wine. True, I drank (every event is an excuse for that) but I stayed out and shed zero tears because I worked out he's just not that into me and you know what? That is his problem, not mine. I'm no Cindy Crawford but if I'm being honest I am attractive and I happen to think my personality is brill! Big-headed moment but in times like these I think it is necessary ;-P
So girls, take a leaf out of my book. Don't over analyse thingd, men are not complex, if they want you they will let you know. I did wonder for a moment why he would even kiss me in the first place but then decided to spend as much time mourning this missed opportunity as he spent writing that text.

Done!

xxx

Comments

Testing the waters...

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 16:44:49 +0100

So I finally did it, I finally kissed him!!

So if he didn't know before that I liked him , then he most definitely does now!

I was working at the pub yesterday, only a 2pm-8pm shift but my god, did it DRAG!!! And remember that guy, the one with the girlfriend?? He was trying it on for hours!! I'm like please, show some dignity, I slept with you once and I haven't gone back for seconds, what does that tell you? It's strange isn't it that someone who once had the ability to make you melt can also make you retch? So after the clock ticked painfully slow towards the end of mine and my mates shift, we decided to have a couple after work. It's not like we didn't deserve them, the owner had practically sat on his expanding arse for most of the day! It's routine now, me and my mate (let's call him JP) finish our shifts together, we have a couple, I usually leave before him, and that's it. Last night, for some unknown reason, call it woman's intuition, I had this overwhelming urge to stay until the end. The guy in question (I'm calling him blue eyes for obvious reasons) was on a beer bus with a group of people, celebrating this girl's birthday so they weren't even there!!

To be fair, I had a good night,another mate of mine BB came down, JP's mates and his sister so we all had the jute box blasting with premature songs of Christmas and downing shots (which I am really really suffering for today - believe me!). I had a brilliant laugh when JP's sister admitted to fancying the object of his affections but that's a whole other story lol!

It must have been about half past twelve when I heard a banging on the front doors which were now locked and I asked Shortie (my nickname for another mate I work with and who was on shift last night) who it was and guess what she said? It's the lads from the beer bus! Now I'm quite a level-headed person but I could have practically kissed her but I decided to do the next best thing. I ran, yes I actually ran to the doors and tried to get the doors open. Shortie runs after me and locks them a lot faster than I was unlocking them so I run (yep, still running) out of the exit doors. I start chatting to some of the lads and then blue eyes spots me from across the car park, comes over and drapes his arm across my shoulders. If I was in a Mills and Boon, I would have swooned!! We're chatting and the next thing I know, his lips are on mine. Score, what was I was thinking in my ridiculous mind! It's times like these, I'm glad that the whole telepathy thing hasn't kicked off! So trying to be a lady (and admittedly a bit sexy), I pull him by his clothes, to a quiet corner and proceed to snog his face off!

We spent the next couple of hours in the cold, talking and kissing, kissing and talking! But now I'm stuck. I've got him as a friend on Facebook (don't search for me, this is not my real name lol) but I can't message him, what would I even say? But if I don't talk to him before I'm back at work again, won't it make the whole situation awkward? The whole 'I wanna kiss you again' or depressingly the 'it was a one off' isn't something I want to experience in front of a whole bar full of people, some of whom are his close mates.

Aaaaahhhhhhh!!

Still, he kissed me first so that's something to be grateful for...

Comments

A change of direction...

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 23:12:56 +0100

I have never really entertained the idea of dating a guy with a child. Not only because your imagination immediately drags up the image of a man in his thirties going squidgy at the edges, but also because that child represents an irreversible bond he will always share with that other woman. When we meet a guy, we know he's got a past (haven't we all?) but it's not really ideal to have that past staring right at you. Especially when you're not supposed to resent someone so innocent. However, I've had a change of opinion...

As some of you may know, I've spent over a year working at a pub so it should come as no surprise that this bloke is actually another customer (will I ever learn?), only this time I can assure you all that he is 100% single. And he is, in fact, younger than me - only by six months but I am so attracted to him, which is strange as up until three weeks ago I never paid him any particular attention. The weird thing is, is that once I see a man with a child, the attraction vanishes but with him, I don't care. I suppose if you look at the situation intelligently, him having a child could be a bonus. I may not know this first-hand but I've heard that children and maturity come hand in hand like smoking and bad lungs (I couldn't think of a more appropriate simile lol). Plus, him having a child now could hopefully significantly put him off wanting anymore for a very long time!

Now I had better set the record straight, I am not dating this guy, in fact he doesn't even know that I'm interested but I've heard through the grapevine that he is in me which makes me wonder, do I make a move? And no, that isn't a rhetorical question, I need guidance lol. I'm just a little wary considering that I have been with two customers already, one had a girlfriend (let's not dwell on that shall we?) and the other one hadn't long come out of a long-term relationship and after being a complete sweetheart, one month later I was left humiliated and in tears. Could this be third time lucky perhaps? Or will I become the girl who has gone with 'yet another customer'. I don't even have the excuse of not being able to meet men elsewhere because since September, I have been a full-time Uni student, although to be the honest there are no groups of 'hotties' that I was promised.
It has been a while since I have written and I'm in a much better place now but I still love doing all this teenage angsting, when I was younger I really believed by the time I reached 23, I'd have all the answers but I am still as clueless as I was six years ago, I'm just a little more careful with words and actions now.

University is good, in fact I'm having a real good time and I don't know how it's happened but I have become a little bit, should I say typical? I have got a little lazy but I reckon that because I have worked full-time for years, to hell with it and I should just let my hair down for a while.
Let's hope by next time I write (and I won't leave it so long), that I have this male situation sorted...

Then again, knowing me I won't :-P ...

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Unable to forget....completely!

Fri, 23 May 2008 01:29:46 +0200

You know that feeling you get where that person you like is in the same room as you?? You don't even have to be talking to him but just knowing he's there means that you're having a better time?? I hold my hands up, I had that feeling tonight when HE was there. Yep that bloke who has a girlfriend, yep that bloke who I slept with, yep that bloke who shall forever remain nameless.

I walked in the pub tonight, twenty minutes before my shift began (any later and I run the risk of not being able to relax with a cuppa and a ciggie beforehand and then all hell would break loose lol!) and I didn't notice him at first. I never look round anymore which is another of my tactics of trying to forget about him. I don't want him to think that I still care although it's obvious that I do – MOAN! Anyway, I walked through the door and behind me I heard a wolf whistle and immediately I knew, because let's face it, who else would do that. Well there is the possibility of the other customer I kissed when I was absolutely drunk on Saturday night but that's a whole other story
Yeah I hear you all say it, wolf whistling, not exactly the most charming way to grab a girls attention but it grabbed mine because, I realised, that it doesn't matter what he does, I still find him attractive and it's getting to the stage now where I'm annoying myself so I'm sorry to all you readers who think I'm droning. I just can't help myself...

I didn't speak to him after that quick sly smile I gave. I'm finding that tactic quite easy now, avoid his eye-line, make sure I look busy but whilst he's there I'm OK, I still feel in control. And then he left and my mood dropped. I looked at myself in the mirror at work (I am actually being serious here) and thought 'woman, you need to get a grip.' I don't love him, of that I'm sure and I don't want him for myself so what is it? What is it about him that makes me want to do all kind of unspeakable things to him? I sound like some tortured soul in some channel 5 movie that never made it to the cinema in this blog aren't I?? LOL!

Maybe it's sexual frustration? I'm quite reserved in my blogs because who wants to hear about sordid details, really?? That's not what my blogs are about but I think that just maybe that this is my problem. Being a single girl like me is damn hard. I'm scared of the commitment and vulnerability that relationships bring but I'm a red-blooded woman and we have needs. But I'm not the type of girl who wants to pick up strangers and sleep with every Tom, Dick AND Harry. I've tried it when I was younger (that makes me sound ancient he he...) and frankly I don't like it anymore. So I have three choices...
1)get a boyfriend
2)lead a life of celibacy - (crys)
3)get a sex buddy

If only life was more simple...

But then I'd only complain that I was bored...hhhmmmm...

xxx

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A woman's right to choose

Sun, 11 May 2008 12:02:49 +0200

Answer me this question... Why is it that when people find out that a woman has no desire to have children, people look at you like you have just asked if you can piss on their first born???

This has become a subject that I find increasingly annoying and in a world now where women have so much more opportunities that involve more that staying at home and playing the little wifey, how can people expect that being bored out of our brains is the choice we would want to choose?

I've never had any desire to have children, even as I little girl I never used to play with dolls or play 'husband and wives', I preferred drawing and creating things, babies not being one of them by the way. As much as people say it is a natural thing, the thought of having something growing inside me, sucking all my nutrients away from me and taking control of MY body for nearly a year makes me feel almost angry. You can't drink, you can't smoke, you have to stay away from certain foods and midwifes look at you strange if you don't want to breast-feed (because why wouldn't you want your breast to get any more saggy for the sake of the baby?). Why would I want my nipples to face south? Why do I want a wobbly stomach covered in stretch marks? Why do I want a 'lady garden' like a wizards sleeve??

That's just the pregnancy I'm talking about. When little junior comes along, you might as well hand your life over there and then because yours will never be yours again. You can't go out when you want, summer afternoon trips to the pub give way to hours in the playground hoping that your child doesn't have an accident resulting in another few hours in casualty. The money you earn after a full week at work now has to be spent on clothes for them, the latest 'gear' that they just can't do without, school trips that they just have to go on. To be quite frank I find it all a joke.

I asked my friend last week (who has been asking me when I'm going to jump on the wagon with her) why I should want them? As a childless woman, all I hear from my friends who have children is moan, moan, bloody moan. They cried during their pregnancy as their bodies became unrecognisable, they screamed during labour when their nether-regions stretched to an inhuman size and now they bitch about people like me who can do exactly want they want, exactly when they want to.

And then because I have made my choice (which is a choice where I DON'T moan at anyone), people look at me as if I'm weird. It just gets me so angry. It was actually a conversation with my boss who has five of her own that started this off. She was trying to convince how wonderful it is, well it isn't!!!

My money is mine, my body is young and fresh still, and my life is still that – my bloody life. And you know what guys?? I LOVE it!!

So if there are any other people out there like me, do what I do and stick your fingers up to those judgmental people, they're only jealous that they can't go back in time!!

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Men, men and oh yeah, men!!

Wed, 07 May 2008 01:01:40 +0200

He was there, at the pub tonight. I knew he would be and I knew that once again we would slip back into our old habit of flirtation. I was good though, of that I'm quite proud, I'm serving people at the bar and I can feel those familiar eyes watching me but not once did I turn round and encourage his advances. No tonight, I made sure I kept my distance.
That is, until the pub started emptying and there were less ways I could distract myself from him. He smiles and not being rude, I smile back. He asks me why I have been ignoring him, starts making a joke of 'I've had my wicked way with him and now I have no need for him', I protest and then he starts asking if we can meet up again, away from work where no one is watching us and like the 'strong' woman I am, I refused.

You see the thing is, that most of the time, I do mean it. That is, when I'm sober I can force myself to believe I mean it which is why I don't drink at the pub anymore, especially on nights when I know he is more likely to be there. It's just asking for trouble. But once the drinks start flowing and I feel that warm fuzzy feeling behind my eyes, all he has to do is flash me that cheeky grin through those full lips or wink at me with those dark chocolate eyes and once again I can feel myself melting. I'm aware of the consequences but when your defences are down, you don't think clearly and you always know that you don't have to worry about anything until the morning. That's the kind of girl I am, act now and pay later.

I often wonder why I haven't had any type of remotely serious relationship for years. Could it be that like so many of us I have been hurt. I don't mean broken-hearted, although I have the once, no I mean I've been betrayed, I've been let down, I've been forced to take the blame for things that were not my fault and maybe that's why I've built up this wall. If I'm the one in control then I have no-one to blame but myself when things go wrong. And even if if doesn't seem like it, with him I am in control. I do call the shots, I say yes and I say no. I always think that if I had just been hurt then I wouldn't be so 'hard' but having no strong male role model in my life ever has led me to believe that women are the strong ones and losing yourself to someone is just a way of make yourself vulnerable and being vulnerable makes you more likely to get shit on!! I'm tired of coming across cowardly men who run at the slightest sniff of trouble, I want a man to be a man!!

Man, I am over-thinking tonight....

I have work tomorrow so I think it's time for a cuppa and a cigarette. Maybe now I've unleashed this bit of tension I can sleep easy! Damn bloody men sometimes....

Or could it just be PMT??..ha ha...

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The secret.....

Thu, 01 May 2008 00:57:07 +0200

I know he'll never leave his girlfriend, of that I am certain. To be honest I think that I would run a mile if he did but there's something about him that keeps me wanting more, even after eight months, which is completely unheard of for me. Eight weeks is usually the life expectancy I give, any longer and the rocky foundations of something you couldn't exactly call a relationship starts to curdle like off milk. Think of Miranda from SATC and you'll get a vague idea of what I'm like with men!

Let me make this clear, I do not love him, nor have I been having an affair. He was the one who chased me, who pursued me and yes I have flirted, yes I have kissed him and I even regrettably crossed the line six weeks ago when I ended up sleeping with him.
Alcohol + the first and only opportunity = mistake!

No what I think keeps me interested is the fact that he boosts my ego like no man ever has done and the added bonus that he has a girlfriend makes him safe. I don't get any of the hassles that comes with a relationship with him, no I get all the nice things and when I'm done with the flirting and ego boosting, he goes home to his girlfriend and I'm free to continue on with my single life. And although he's a cheat, he has restored my faith in one thing. Not all men are cowards. After sticking up for me and getting himself into trouble after a particularly awkward situation a few months back, I'll admit I was quietly impressed.

All men cheat. I never used to think this until I started working in a pub. Given the opportunity for a quickie whilst the wife is in bed at home, they will take it. What the eye don't see....
I've even had married men try it on with me in that place. I never used to be so cynical and the extent of how cynical I am at only twenty two years ols, scares me quite frankly. I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe that as humans we are designed to settle down with one mate for life and it does make me a little sad. But I would rather be sad than hurt, I would rather be in my position than be the unsuspecting other half, lying in bed and wondering why her man is late yet again!

I think bar work has bought out the realist in me and fantasy world is for those who are lucky, but then if I hadn't have started this job, I would never have met him. I think he'll be in on Friday and this time I'm going to look at him and think 'I'm not going to go back there, no matter what charm tactic you try to use this time.'
Hopefully, anyway......

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